Day: August 31, 2018

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I Get Away With So Much Tomfoolery

Bow Tie o’ the Day and I picked up Suzanne from work and headed off to the park for the duration of her lunch break. She ate her usual mid-day meal: string cheese and yogurt. I occasionally eat a banana at the park, but most of the time I just chug my Diet Coke. Today, I chugged it while wearing Skitter’s new sombrero.

When Skitter gets new hats, of course I have to test drive them. I try out all her new hats before she wears them. I mean– there could be some obscure hat-safety issue: some defect o’ the hat, which would make it unsafe for my beloved pup to wear it on her head. So you see, I bravely face danger by test-wearing Skitter’s stuff– to ensure her dapper fashion safety. That’s my excuse for wearing Skitter’s hats, and I’m sticking to it.

Suzanne is a good sport when it comes to my clash fashion choices (including dog hats) and my overall eccentric behavior. She puts up with my antics, unconditionally. At home or in public, she is neither fazed nor embarrassed by my fashion sensibilities and/or my hijinks. She has never once tried to tame my imagination. She takes it in stride. She never rolls her eyes at what I wear or what I say. Heck, that’s amazing because even I roll my eyes at my shenanigans sometimes. Suzanne is so even-keeled about my behavior that I sometimes wonder if she even notices me at all. All I know is that she has never once forbidden me from doing my thing– so I keep on truckin’.

Only one time have I ever forbidden Suzanne from wearing something. She bought a new dress off the Dillard’s clearance rack. It looked fine on the hanger, but it did not work on an actual woman. It wasn’t just Suzanne who couldn’t pull it off. After seeing it on her, I realized it would have been wrong on any woman. Anyhoo… There she was in her new dress. She was primped and dressed and ready to leave for work when I saw her in it, and I said, “You are not leaving the house in that dress! It looks frumpy. It makes you look like a school teacher!” Of course, Suzanne was a school teacher at the time. We all appreciate our teachers, but you know the exact image of a frumpy school teacher I’m talkin’ about. That look ain’t gonna happen for Suzanne on my watch.

When I dropped off the aforementioned maladjusted dress at Deseret Industries, I actually felt like I should apologize for donating it. 👗

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Been There, Done That, Seen That

I have seen the sun set over the Atlantic Ocean, from a castle turret on a hill on the west coast of Ireland. I have driven down Main Street in Delta, UT with a wind-blown tumbleweed the size of a Christmas tree stuck in the front grill of my car. I have mooned. I have streaked. I have sat naked in a lawn chair at a nude beach in Rehoboth, Delaware. I have canoed on the Potomac River while eating sushi.

In honor of the craziness of the Delta Fourth of July chairs-on-main-street-for-days custom, I have set up lawn chairs– and tied them together– on the side of the road in front of the Delta house, to create a fake 4th of July parade route, complete with horse poop and saltwater taffy scattered in the road. And Mom and I have sat in those lawn chairs, waiting for the parade that never came– just so people could see us and wonder. (And a parade did come by once. Story to be told later.)

I have drunk shots of pepper vodka on a picnic blanket, at an Allison Krauss concert, on the grass in front of the Washington Monument. I have driven in the West Desert for hours at night, with my lights off, while listening to music no one’s ever heard of. I have been trapped in a stuck elevator. I have played arcade games along the Jersey Shore. I have been to Six Flags amusement parks in three different states. I have returned a lost wallet.

I have taught every type of writing class they offer at The University of Utah and at Salt Lake Community College. I have led book groups for inmates at the Utah State Prison. I have taught writing in a middle school in inner-city Baltimore. I have twice run the Georgetown 10K in D.C. while drunk. I have seen Dad catch fish bare-handed. I have spent 24 hours in Boston, and I saw everything there was to see. I have seen over 100 concerts in my life. I have ice skated all the way across the Reservoir and back. I have had 2/3 of my pancreas hacked away. I have seen a jackalope and a chupacabra in the same night.

But the one thing I have not experienced until now is an event called FLANNELRAMA at JOANN’s.

Bow Tie o’ the Day and I have now seen and done everything. 😜