Robbing a Loomis armored truck as it waits in front of Dick’s Market is not a brilliant idea. Even Tie o’ the Day knows that. It’s especially not a smart idea for me, cuz I kinda stand out. I’d be way too easy for witnesses to identify. I can just hear the witnesses in the parking lot all report the same things about the perpetrator: “I saw a purple tie, and the license plate on the red truck said HELEN W.” Heck, let’s all be honest. Most of us have, at one time or another in our lives, thought about robbing a bank–in a not-serious way, I hope. We talk about it because of the money, but also for the challenge of making a perfect plan that is soooo much better than the plans of stoopid criminals who bungle their schemes. We watch TV crime shows about the hapless thieves, and we are positive we could pull off the robbery without a hitch– whatever they’re attempting to steal. “Pretend robbery” planning also leads into the conversation game we all play on occasion when we talk about what we’d do if we had a filthy, obscene, bigly amount of cash. And, of course, we all know we are never going to earn that kind of money from our jobs, so we’re stuck cogitating about things like winning the lottery or robbing Fort Knox. We say that if we somehow end up with a pile o’ money, we’ll buy our parents a new house, and we’ll give money to charity, and we’ll build a school, and we’ll end world hunger, and so on. But guess what? You know damn well that if we hit it rich, we’d immediately quit our jobs. And the first thing we’d truly do with our new-found fortune is to blow it all on a fancy-shmancy car, an airplane, and a yacht. Oh, and a case of Junior Mints. Anyhoo…Entering Dick’s Market, I walked right past the armored truck, waving cordially to the driver. Inside the store, I spent the tiny fortune in my teeny pocket to buy a maple-frosted apple fritter. I can attest to the fact that the fritter was rich– even if I’m not. 🤣
