Day: November 16, 2018

Two Bow Ties o’ the Day, plus three Neckties o’ The Day. I’m amazed at my own self that I managed to put this many ties on me at one time. I’ve set myself a sort of goal now: I want to set the record for wearing the most pieces of neckwear at the same time. Of course, I know there’s no record for wearing ties already. I’m sure no other human being in the history of mankind has thought of doing it. It is, therefore, accurate for me to boast that I hold the record. In my quest for adding to my record, I will be in competition only with myself. Still, my accomplishment must be put in the official Guinness Book of World Records. I must be The Tie-est o’ All– even if I’m the only “all.”

You might be wondering if I actually wear this kind of multi-tie get-up when I go out into the world. Yes, I do– sometimes. We all have a purpose in life. Wait. I got that wrong. We each have a host of purposes in our lives. One of mine is to be fluorescent in a world that is often dark. When I walk into a room, in my sometimes-way-over-the-top garb, the mood gets a bit lighter– even if the consensus of the folks in the room is that I’m a total idiot. You can bet I and the ties I’m wearing will be the topic of talk around the dinner table that evening– which will result in a chuckles. Mission accomplished.

This entire tie venture– including these website posts, which get shot to Facebook– is just plain strange to me. It isn’t my inexplicable tie obsession that’s strange to me. No, the strangeness of it is because I hate attention. I am a hermit at heart. I like to hang out in primarily solitary environments. I like my books. I listen to music, which acts as the soundtrack behind everything I do. Each day, I write poems– which are usually published– which I won’t share with people who know me. People can read my serious writing when I die, if they want to.

The point I’m trying to get across is that I’m not lonely in my own company. I’m not saying, “I’m the grooviest person, so why would I care to be around anyone who isn’t me?” Of course, I’m not meaning any of this in an arrogant way. I’m only saying I’m at ease with my own company. I suppose I mostly live what is sometimes referred to as “the life of the mind.” I think about everything, all the time. My crazy head has no OFF switch. There is always a party to attend in my brain– a party of thoughts and ideas.

All I can figure out about how my solitary self is okay with my gregarious, snappy-dressing public persona is that it is, in fact, just a persona– a kind of mask. It is not I out there in front of an audience. It’s the clash fashion. It’s the ties. Especially the bow ties. I’m simply the mannequin. And I’m the puppeteer.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 8 Bow Ties. 11 Neckties.

I was resurrecting out of bed this morning, trying to decide what ties to wear for this photo. (Yes, TIE O’ THE DAY is always the first thing I think about when I wake up.) As I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes, it occurred to me that my new sleep hat looks like a plaid Santa hat– making it one of the hippest Santa hats ever. That’s how I decided to display Santa hats Bow Tie o’ the Day and three Santa hats Ties o’ the Day.

As I typed the paragraph above– where I mentioned rubbing the sleep out of my eyes– I was reminded of an old joke that for some reason I remember. Here it is: “Why do women rub their eyes first thing when they get out of bed in the morning? Because they don’t have balls to scratch.” (Excuse my language there if it bothered you, but it was the right word for the joke.)

Of all the jokes I’ve ever heard in my life, why is that joke one of the few I can always remember? And why is it that most of us have the hardest time remembering the “clean” jokes? Or maybe that’s just me. On the other hand, if you’re like that too, maybe I should just reply with another jokey thing: “You better get your head out of the gutter, so mine can roll by.” What a groaner.

As I finished typing the paragraph above, it came to me that we also tend to remember jokes and sayings with a high gross-factor. This is one of my fave grossly humorous sayings, which can apply to any arrogant person you can think of: “He thinks he’s hot snot on a silver platter. But he’s really a cold booger on a paper plate.” That’s yet another groaner. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say it’s “a gross-er.”

I’ve always been better at spouting improvisational humor than with telling jokes. I do the spontaneous humor that occurs organically out of a conversation I’m having, or out of a place I happen to be. Even when I write these posts, more often than not, I don’t have anything in mind when I open up my laptop. I just start writing and try to find an interesting and/or amusing way to tie (hahaha) the tie photos to what I’m writing. Sometimes the writing and the tie photo connect in an obvious way. Sometimes they link up by the skinniest of threads. Occasionally, I seriously have to stretchhhhh to find the connection between the photo and the words. When I have to do that big stretch, I consider that to be my calisthenics for the day.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 6 bow ties. 8 neckties.