Witty & Wise Ties, Trivia & Lies
Ties o’ the Day got a bigly piece of my mind! I had a come-to-Jesus meltdown at them! LOUDLY! You parents know what it’s like when you’ve reached your limit with something your kids do. Or sometimes something they don’t do. The dishes weren’t done. The floors weren’t mopped or vacuumed. The laundry was stacked to the gills of the laundry room. Not one chore had been done, and there they sat on the loveseat, binge-watching THE CLOSER. My explosion is still raining down on them. 😡 ⛈
Tie o’ the Day stars in that moment when you look at your desk, and see the towering piles of projects you promised yourself last month you’d get to “tomorrow,” and you’re so freaked out by the still-not-done mess, that you take off your lush green, black, and lavender tie, lay it on the desk, and stare at Tie o’ the Day’s hypnotic paisley for an hour, before you can even begin to burrow through the task mountain you’ve created. Yup, that moment. 🙀 📑 📃 📥
I had a pleasant dilemma while getting dressed. What neckwear clashes with opera? Suzanne’s taking me to dinner and the opera, PAGLIACCI, for my birthday. The Italian word translates to “sad clown,” which perfectly describes my essence. I wish I had opera glasses though, because they would be a swanky, snooty fashion accessory. I can’t believe in all my years of buying stuff I don’t need, I’ve never purchased a pair o’ opera glasses. What the fruitcake is wrong with me? Besides hoarding ties, I mean. 🎭
Bow Ties/Tie o’ the Day add their panache to the clash-a-rama of my entire get-up. The hot-ness of this sexy outfit is undeniable. Thus, my fire extinguisher Cufflinks o’ the Day are absolutely necessary for my safety, and for the safety of passers-by. Skitter nearly went up in flames when she nuzzled against my shouting duds. The scene was like an Old West shoot-out. Skitter almost got singed, so I drew my trusty fire extinguishers. I shot that spark dead! Skitter’s wisely keeping her skittish distance. 🔥
I could not fall asleep the entire night, so I took to the couch and watched asinine programs on tv. I chose bright Tie o’ the Day and matching cloth Cufflinks, in hopes of the bright green keeping me awake all day as I errand. I feel like a zombie. No, I AM a zombie. There better not be any such thing as a DWZ: Driving While Zombie. I know I am transformed, because Skitter refuses to sit by me. This too shall pass. I think. 😴
This Tie o’ the Day is an answer to any “what-kinda-tie-do-I-wear-today?” question. This morning we’re venturing to the hospital, where Suzanne’s bigly, gnarly kidney stone will be lasered into tinier, gnarly stones for her to pee out of her system. This procedure, called LITHOTRIPSY, is a new chapter in Suzanne’s book o’ kidney stones adventures. The next few weeks of peeing rocks will be fruitful for Suzanne though: She can add to her collection of past, passed gems. But unlike me, Suzanne doesn’t wear what she collects. 😱 💎
It’s the green neckwear’s fave time of year. Tie o’ the Day begins our meandering to St. Paddy’s Day, and my Hat o’ the Day lends a hand. Feel the verdant clash happen! If you haven’t driven across Ireland, you must go. If you like tasting a multitude of beers, you REALLY must go. Irish cuisine is horrible, but I don’t recommend you fast for your entire vacation. Instead, I recommend you eat Banoffee Pie every meal. It’s basically layers of bananas, chocolate, and toffee. Yummerful! 🍌 🍫 🍽
Tie o’ the Day is a clever masterpiece: a plywood tie. I call it my white trash/redneck tie. When I lived back East, I noticed a certain snootiness some people had towards the West. It was, like all prejudice, a bias formed out of ignorance. They hadn’t been there, and they didn’t know any Westerners. I learned to embrace my “redneck-ness” and my small-town-ness. I set them straight. And the first thing I did when I moved back to Delta? Threw a mattress on my front porch. 🛏 🤠
Here’s a two-fer! Tie o’ the Day and Lapel Pin o’ the Day are the same. Classic split personality, aka Dissociative Identity Disorder. When cleaning toilets and baseboards, wear as short a tie as possible. You don’t want the tail end of your tie swimming in the potty, and you don’t want it skating across grimy baseboards. If a long tie is underfoot when changing ceiling air filters, you’re in bigly danger. Wearing bow ties is safe for doing housework. Tie/Pin is even less treacherous. And sillier. 🚽 😜
I grabbed my trusty, heavy iron skillet Cufflinks o’ the Day so we can cook up a steak. There are rules about eating steak, and the numero uno rule is that you must drink Diet Coke when you’re eating one. Yes, it is too a rule! Lo and behold, Tie o’ the Day discovered we’re soooo out of Diet Coke. We must hie to Dick’s Market to buy a bunch. Some rules are breakable without throwing the world into chaos. But the Diet-Coke-with-steak rule isn’t one of them. 🐄