Category: Stories

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Our First Neckwear Three-fer O’ The Season

We have to remember we aren’t the only ones trying to get in shape and drop a little poundage for the holiday parties, at which we will show off our new skinny bodies and our ugly sweaters. Or something like that. Ties o’ the Day help us remember that Santa, his helpers, and his reindeer have to build up their muscles and stamina for the 24-hour, worldwide event called Christmas. We think we’re in a frenzy to pick out gifts, decorate, and cook–  but nope. These dudes are really the ones who frenzy around to give Christmas its material joy. The least we can do is to leave the rotund guy a cookie or two, and hope he shares his cookie haul with all his support staff. Of course, I do not leave a glass of milk for the jolly ol’ boy. I leave a tall glass of Diet Coke. I figure Santa needs the caffeine.

Bow Tie o’ the Day offers us some Billy Bob Thornton, as a grossly bad Santa, from the movie BAD SANTA. That movie is not a Xmas classic. I’ve actually never been able to get through the entire movie, so I can’t recommend it. Why did I buy Bad Santa Bow Tie then? Because I didn’t already have one like it.

But I’ve changed. My bow tie collection feels almost complete. I’m at the point that unless a bow tie captures my attention from at least forty feet away, I’m not all that interested in adding it to my collection. I still have an incredible fervor for the little critters. I just have a bit of the been-there-done-that feeling about the less dazzling bow ties. I suppose it’s sort of like when you’re in your having-kids years, and one day you just know you’re done adding to your family. You’ve had enough babies. Your family feels whole. You get a feeling about it. No more babies, please and thank you.

I have no biological children. I decided when I was very young that giving birth to babies was not on my Bucket List. As I have probably mentioned here before, I thought my genes should end with me. I’m convinced that if my body created a kid, that poor child would have all of my worst physical attributes: My kid would have bad hair, bad teeth, too-big boobs, and be bipolar. I would not feel good about myself if I did that to a child of God. (Especially if it was a boy– with that big boob characteristic.)

But I do have two sons– one with an ex and one with Suzanne. One kid at a time was enough for me. Those boys are what I needed in my life. I love the men they are now. I tried to teach them what my parents taught me. And I can say without exaggeration that neither Devon nor Rowan ever left the house– or went to bed at night– without being told they were loved. Oh, and I always added, as they left the house: Remember your “please”s and “thank you”s. They have each reported to me how that advice has helped them become successful in their lives.

FYI   I will post more about the amazing Devon and Rowan in the future. Believe it or not, there are some topics– Devon being chief among them– I’m not yet ready to write about here. Yes, I have a filter. Yes, I have places in my heart which I have a tough time re-visiting. But I’ll keep getting things worked out, and you’ll read about it– because these posts are a kind of memoir, and I’ve sworn to tell the truth. The whole truth. So help me, whatever god makes you a better person.

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I Lack Gift Wrapping Skills

Bow Tie o’ the Day presents an icon from a classic Christmas film: the moose-shaped glass from which the Griswold’s supped eggnog in CHRISTMAS VACATION. I have watched that movie at least 8,000 times, and I will watch it at least 8,000 more times before I die. I hope I can watch it 8,000 more times in Heaven/Hell– wherever I’m going to end up. This movie’s humor just never gets un-funny.

Yesterday, I asked Suzanne what kind of sewing machine she wants me to get her for Christmas this year. And do you know what she said for the first time ever? She said she doesn’t need one. I can’t believe she finally has enough sewing machines. (Don’t worry. I know it won’t last.) Last year I got her an embroidery machine, and I guess that topped off her collection. But now I’m stuck with trying to figure out what present to get her for Christmas. I know I can do exactly what I’ve done for the last year: hand her my laptop and my debit card, and let her go wild for every gifty occasion. The great thing about doing that is that I’m the one who gets surprised at the gifts I gave her for Christmas, birthday, Mothers Day, or whatever. That’s kinda fun for me to see what “I” got her.

But I would like to surprise Suzanne this Christmas. We already have two vacations planned for Spring and early Summer, so a trip is probably not the most surprisey thing to give her. She has every sewing/crafting/quilting/crocheting/etc. machine and/or gadget and supply known to mankind, so it can’t be something of that ilk. I’m stymied.

To make matters worse, our legal wedding anniversary is two days before Xmas, so there’s yet another gift I have to figure out. If Suzanne and I last until December 23– and there’s a pretty good chance we will– this will be our 5th anniversary. Traditionally, the proper gift for the 5th anniversary is supposed to be something wood. She won’t want a wood bow tie, so I gotta nix that. We don’t have a fireplace, so chopping her a pile of wood is unnecessary. I doubt books qualify as wood. She gets seasick, so a wood canoe won’t cut the mustard. Once more, I’m stymied.

See, I really have been putting a great deal of thought into what gifts to get Suzanne. I don’t wait until the last minute to shop for gifts, but clearly I’ve got a bit more cogitating to do. When I finally think of gifts, they are absolutely perfect for the intended recipient. I am a superb gift giver. Suzanne doesn’t have that particular talent. But I’ll save that story for another post, another day. I need to write it and post it on a day I can be sure Suzanne won’t have time to read it.

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A Two-fer O’ Ties

Peppermint Bow Tie o’ the Day is this year’s introduction to the Christmas neckwear. Let the holiday atTIEre season begin! I have to start displaying the collection this early, so you can see a representative cornucopia of holiday neckwear by the end of the season. You won’t see every last one of the holiday ties– just a select 100 or so. I’d be wearing them all year if I had to present them all.

Skitter decked herself out in her tartan Tie o’ the Day, in order to attend her award ceremony. I felt like she deserved some kind of prize for finally– after five years with us– being able to set aside her weird fear, and pee while on one of her walks. Finally, she peed somewhere other than on our own property. I still stand all amazed at her new ability.

I managed to dig out my 1980 Miss Liberty trophy to give to Skitter, to acknowledge her triumph. Skitter didn’t even mind that whatever was atop the trophy had broken off and got lost a couple of decades ago. Skitter’s hairy chest filled with pride as she accepted her trophy– although she thought it was too pokey to sleep with in her crate.

I put it on top of Suzanne’s Ultimate SewingBox for all to see. Since I placed the trophy up there, Skitter has made eye contact with nothing else. I can’t blame her for being dizzy with glee about getting an award. She has worked hard to turn into a real dog.

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Working Out With Errands

As my t-shirt says, bow ties ARE cool, and so is Tie o’ the Day with its herd of black-and-white neckties. I had to take clothes to the dry cleaners today and I thought I should fancy up a bit, so that’s why I had to don Tie. How much fancier can you get than wearing black-and-white ties? I do not own anything remotely like a tuxedo or I would have worn that too.

You see, I am still doing the recovering-after-surgery thing, so doing anything at all tends to exhaust me. I don’t want to leave my recliner. I walk Skitter, then I have to rest. I do chores around the house, then I crash again. But I make sure I do at least one errand each day. It gets me out of the house and it helps build my stamina. It also gives me a chance to do my clash fashion thing out among the masses. A person really should get out of their pajamas sometimes. And by “a person” I mean me.

As one of my house chores I have been cleaning up The Tie Room a little bit this week, which means I have been re-arranging the closet in there. I have some ties hanging in the closet, but shirts are most of what’s taking up the closet rod space. Over the weekend, I had this brilliant idea to organize my shirts by color. It did not work. Why? Because apparently I have about three shirts that aren’t blue. I am The Queen o’ Blue Shirts, so my closet is organized thus: three non-blue shirts at one end, and blue shirts on the remainder of the closet rod.

I told Suzanne that if I ever buy a shirt again– and I will– it will not be any shade of blue, no matter how groovy it might look. She simply looked at me with that look that says, “Helen, do you have one clue about the reality of how you are?” She’s right. Hello, more blue shirts.

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Takin’ Baby Dog Steps

Patriotic Bow Tie o’ the Day is as perplexed as I am about why Veterans Day was yesterday, but it is officially observed today.

It is one of my personal pet peeves that often if a holiday falls on a Sunday, we don’t observe it on that day. If a certain date is designated important enough to make it a holiday, we owe it to that important event– and to the folks who were part of it– to observe it on that specific date. If the holiday falls on a Sunday, honor it in a Sunday kind of way. Simple.

Ok, my rant about Sunday holidays is complete. Or not.  I hope the reason for celebrating a holiday on Monday when it falls on a Sunday isn’t just to get a three-day weekend out of it. Now that would be disrespectful– especially in the case of Veteran’s Day. Ok, now my rant is truly over.

And now, a different subject. Currently, in our house, we are celebrating two of Skitter’s accomplishments, both of which she happened to do on Saturday. These may seem like no big deal to you, but remember that Skitter rescued us after she had been severely abused and then abandoned. After five years with us, she is still quite skittish and wary of the world. But we think she might be coming farther out of her dog shell.

The first of Skitter’s two accomplishments occurred when I took her leash off its hook to take her outside for a walk to the mailbox. For the first time ever, she got excited at the sound of that leash. She bounded off her bed, danced around in a circle, and pounded my thigh while she stood on her hind legs. And then she actually stood still, waiting for me to clip on her leash. I’ve never had to force The Skit to go for a walk, but she’s never acted like she particularly liked it either. This new development is humongous. Skitter conquered this milestone we never thought she would. If she hadn’t done it in the previous five years with us, we figured it was never going to happen. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I broke down and cried about Skitter’s new progress.

Skitter’s second bigly accomplishment happened when we went for our second walk o’ that day. Hold onto your hats! You better sit down! This is huge! As soon as her paws hit the grass at the park,…… wait for it!….. SKITTER PEED WHILE WE WERE ON A WALK! Skitter has never peed anywhere except on our property. Can you believe it took five years of Skitter’s living in a secure, loving home– where she is spoiled to the moon and back– for her to have the courage to pee in the great outdoors of the city? I admit it: I broke down and cried for the second time that day.

I’m such a sappy gal.

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I Must Be Losing My Touch

Tie o’ the Day reeks of prettiness. Just gaze at it a sec. See what I mean?

Hat o’ the Day is a new addition to my hat club. It showed up in my mailbox yesterday. I was not surprised at its arrival because– of course– I ordered it. Duh!

Anyhoo… My main bow tie supplier is Beau Ties Limited of Vermont. In my post photos, you’ve often seen me in their t-shirts and hats, as well as their bow ties. They make a bunch of misc. other stuff. For example, I have drinking glasses and a coffee mug with their bow tie logo stamped on them. And then there are the playing cards with bow tie backs. And a bow tie-emblazoned water bottle. And a lovely bow tie logo Christmas ornament they just sent me. And on and on. Heck, you can even send Beau Ties Limited of Vermont one of your neckties and they’ll turn it into a bow tie for you.

This sleep cap is a new item they’re peddling. I had to have one. It looks stunning, and that alone is enough reason to fork out a couple of bucks. But there is a practical reason I “need” this cap: My ears are cold from October to May, and I need a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to keep my ear tips warm. I like to sleep in a freezing bedroom, so this is a fashionable alternative to wearing a regular old beanie while I sleep.

A funny thing already happened to me and my new night cap. Last night, on our way home from our dinner/movie event at the U, Suzanne and I stopped to get the mail. There was a little package with my name on it, and I knew exactly what it was. At home, I opened my package while Suzanne was upstairs. I fell in love with my new sleep hat and immediately put it on. So there I was– sittin’ in the loveseat, wearing my glorious sleep hat, watching LivePD, and generally being me. Suzanne came downstairs and sat in the loveseat next to me. Picture it: I’m wearing my not-so-tame hat she’s never seen before. You can see it’s a silly, long, red-and-black flannel hat. With a tassel!!!! Suzanne said nothing about it. Nada. Not one word.

For five minutes, I waited for some kind of reaction from Suzanne. A word, a snicker, rolling eyes– a response of any kind. Nothing. Finally, I said, “Hey, do you notice anything different about me?” And she said something like, “Yeah. I saw your hat.” And then she immediately went back to looking through her JOANN’s sale ads.

Are my shenanigans getting dull, or is Suzanne starting to take my weirdness for granted? Either way, I gotta revamp my schtick.

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I’m Hungry, But The Ice Cream Is Gone

Bow Tie o’ the Day suggests I eat some fish, while Cufflinks o’ the Day suggest macaroni and cheese. Along with being out of ice cream, I’m out of those two food staples too.

But I’m happy to wear symbols of them. In fact, wearing them is sorta like wearing my shopping list. When I go shopping at Dick’s Market later this morning, how can I possibly forget to buy salmon and macaroni? Off course, that all depends on if I remember to look at what I’m wearing. I’m good at forgetting to take my shopping list to the store or—if I have my list—for forgetting to look at it while I’m there filling my shopping cart with everything except what I went there for. Perhaps I’ll have more luck buying the listed things if I’m wearing the grocery items I need. I’ll let you know if it worked.

The woman who works at the meat counter at Dick’s gives me an earful of chastisement if I end up there without wearing a tie of some kind. She particularly enjoys the bow ties. She always has something to say about whatever tie I’m wearing. She also remembers the meat items I usually get, right down to the poundage. I don’t even have to tell her my order. She just gets my order ready while we chat. After she’s wrapped it all up and printed out the price for each item, she asks if I need anything else. I rarely do. She knows my meat list well.

Since Dick’s is my regular grocery store, my ties are usually a point of conversation with whatever staff I run into. Even the folks in the pharmacy ask to see whatever neckwear I’m in, even if I’m not picking up prescriptions. The pharmacy is right next to the ice cream section, which you know I frequent. It never fails. A pharmacist will see me choosing my ice cream, and they’ll call me over so they can gaze at my tie.

I have no idea if the Dick’s folks like me, but they love my neckwear. Sometimes I feel like I work at Dick’s. It’s as if I’m the resident entertainment. My ties make the store a cabaret. Food and a show together = a cabaret.🍗

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Memories R U

I’ve been thinking about how much I enjoyed my balloon ride in Albuquerque a couple of weeks ago. Tie o’ the Day is here to tell you I had a whale of a good time.🤡 Honestly, I did. There are things you don’t even know you want to do, but after you do them, you can’t imagine what kept you from doing it for so long. My balloon flight is a perfect example of that. Why did I finally do it? Because I was there and the balloon was there. Simple as that. That single hot air balloon ride added a nifty story to the essence that is “me.”.

We should do more things like that, and for that reason: WE ARE HERE. We might be surprised sometimes about how important some things can become to us, when we didn’t even know we’d ever do them. Some of those because-it-was-there experiences might turn out to be boring, or we might even regret doing them. Or they could transform our perspective in a positive way. They could alter the course of our lives for the better. But how do we know how it’s going to turn out if we don’t get out of our comfort zone and try a thing or two we never seriously considered. I guess I’m saying to get into your “discomfort zone” and explore.

Jump off that intimidating too-high diving board. Decide where to go on vacation by closing your eyes and sticking a pin on a map. Go to a concert by a band you’ve never heard of before. Take a college course in a subject you think you don’t care about. Take up a sport you hate to watch. Strike up a real conversation with someone you don’t know very well. Ask an “enemy” to lunch. Volunteer to do good deeds you know you’re not very good at.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Face a fear. Experience something that isn’t something the “you” you think you are would normally do. It can be a bigly feat. It can be a teeny-tiny step. Whatever it is, it will enlarge your soul. You will be changed forever, if only in the sense that you’ll know yourself and the world better than you did before.

Memory is what you carry with you wherever you go, but you have to make memories in order to have them to carry. Get a very big backpack to haul them around. And don’t be selfish: unzip that backpack and share your memories with others. 🤠

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Mom And I Are A Handful

Mom enjoyed the snowmen on Tie o’ the Day (see this morning’s post photo). She occasionally had to reach over and feel Tie’s silkiness. And the cape Suzanne made me (see this morning’s post photo)? Mom could not get enough of it. She couldn’t model the cape around the facility though, because it was way too large for her. It would have trailed behind her like a lengthy wedding dress train. And then she would have tripped on it and fallen and broken her other hip. I’m not a big gal, but Mom is gradually shrinking out of even small-size clothing. My cape was a hit with her anyway.

I sat with Mom in the MCR salon while she got her nails painted a sparkly, shimmery pink. She says she thinks it’s the first time she’s ever worn nail polish. Mom said she wanted her nails done so she can catch men. I’m tellin’ ya– if Mom were seriously on the market, she’d be snatched off the market pretty darn quickly. But she is adamant that she is not now– nor will she ever be– on the market. If the guy ain’t Dad, she’s got no interest in the dating game whatsoever.

Mom and I had a swell visit, and we had our usual loud barrel o’ laughs. I admit we are rambunctious when we get together. Today was no exception, as evidenced by the fact that we were given the shhhh-keep-it-down look by an old lady resident who can’t even hear. I don’t think the problem for this woman was the decibel level as much as it was jealousy that Mom and I were having a rip-roarin,’ free-wheelin,’ crazy time. Everyone at the center who saw us, except this one person, seemed to have fun watching and listening to me and Mom have a blast. This particular hard-of-hearing person who somehow hears things as excessively loud is a nice enough lady. I do remember she was in my church ward when I was a kid, and I also remember there wasn’t one week when she didn’t give me the shhhh sign in Sacrament Meeting. Oh, well. My bad.

I’ll be a better influence on Mom the next time I visit her. NOT.

BTW  Suzanne was working today, so I drove down to Delta to see Mom by myself. However, before I left the house, Suzanne told me I had to go to Mom’s Crafts while I was in town– for 10 1/2 yards of quilt fabric. She told me to not bother coming home if I didn’t get the fabric. I cannot win. Fabric stores have become my destiny, and I don’t even sew.

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Chuck Brown’s Only Shirt Inspires A Tie

Tie o’ the Day is a wood tie, created by a craftsman in Logan. He named this chevron design “Charlie Brown,” and I was lucky to get it when I did, because the style has been sold out for months, and the dude is probably not going to produce more of this style again.

The second photo here is the same tie, folded for storing when not in use. Wood neckties are fabulous, but most begin to feel a bit heavy to wear after a few hours at a time. I do not recommend wearing a wood necktie for an entire day at work. But wearing one for a dinner date or going to a performance of the symphony will go over smashingly. You probably shouldn’t wear a wood tie to a campfire where you plan to roast marshmallows and hot dogs though, unless you plan to use your tie for kindling.

In fact, you have to be cognizant of the fact that wearing a necktie can put you in peril, in a way that bow ties don’t. Oh, the neckties certainly don’t mean to be dangerous to their wearers, but they simply aren’t the most practical neckwear to wear in certain situations. I’m not just talking about situations like trying to keep your tie out of the paper shredder when you shred your secret spy documents. For example, don’t wear a necktie when you’re doing some downhill skiing. It’ll work its way out of your ski coat and fly up over your ski goggles, blinding you. Before you know it…. hello, tree! Hello, Sonny Bono.

Also, don’t wear a necktie if you’re going to be stirring together the spell ingredients you’re boiling in your witch’s cauldron. The bottom of your tie is bound to accidentally dip into the brew, and some living monstrosity in that goop will most certainly grab your tie and pull you in. Bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble. See ya!

There are circumstances in which neckties should be employed more often than they are. If you have a dog who loves to stick its head out the window of a moving car (or ride in the truck bed), for example, allow your dog to wear one of its neckties the next time you go for a Sunday drive. The dog will not only enjoy its usual wind-blown flapping ears and flapping lips, but it will be thrilled to have its very own necktie flapping right along with it. And your mutt’s blowing necktie will also indicate to others that your dog is respecting the Sabbath. Nice doggie.

Bow Ties are almost completely safe from possible necktie dangers. And I vehemently vouch for this next fact: Wearing a bow tie actually makes you safer than not wearing one. You see, bow ties have a cute-factor to them. I’ve told you before that bow ties are kinda charmingly disarming and tend to make people smile. If a mugger is smiling at your bow tie, you can be sure that criminal is gonna pass right by you and go mug somebody else. And if you accidentally cut off a car on the freeway, that driver who’s instantly developing road rage towards you will look at you, see the bow tie, and likely lose the rage. Instead of getting the middle finger, you might just get the peace sign.

More than that– bow ties give you an advantage in the world of finance. Need a bank loan? Wear a funny bow tie to your appointment with the antagonistic loan manager, and not only will you get the loan, even if your credit sucks– you’ll get a couple of thousand bucks more than you applied for. And the loan manager will make sure the money gets into your account on that very same day. You think I jest, but I do not. The power of the bow tie cannot be denied.

I mean no disrespect to neckties. I adore them as much as any neckwear to be found. A necktie is nifty as heck. But a bow tie is a superhero. All hail, to the bow tie!