Category: Stories

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WTFudge?

Bow Tie o’ the Day and Ties o’ the Day were out in the garage with me this afternoon, helping me search for a certain piece of Christmas decor I can’t locate. Suzanne and I recently got some heavy-duty shelving– which Suzanne assembled– to finally organize the garage, which has been a dizzyingly complicated maze ever since we moved the contents of the Delta house to our place here in Centerville. Suzanne did a dandy job of clearing the garage floor of storage bins and boxes. Brownie points to Suzanne!

If Suzanne hadn’t fit everything neatly on the shelves, I would have known exactly where to find the item I’m looking for. I know all the maps of disorganization that surround me. It’s the cleaned up, neatness I can’t wade through. In our house, there has always been an understanding that if you can’t find something, you ask me. I know where everything is– except, apparently, the one Christmas decoration I’m seeking.

Anyhoo… As I was ferreting around through storage bins in the garage, what to my wondering eyes did appear?! Not what I was tracking down, that’s for sure. But I did see the box that lurks behind me in the photo. Suzanne had so eloquently labeled it with her fluorescent green Sharpie. Even my holiday neckwear was amused at what she wrote.

Suzanne is the most even-tempered person I know, so this piece of exclamatory labeling is certainly a cry for help. I can imagine the face she wore as she wrote the words. It is Suzanne’s “I-can’t-believe-we-still-have-this-box-of-crap-and-I-haven’t-sorted-it-out-yet-although-we-must-not-need-it-cuz-we-haven’t-used-any-of-whatever-it-is-in-years-but-I-don’t-dare-throw-it-away-and-I-don’t-trust-Helen-to-cull-it-correctly-so-I-won’t-let-her-decide-the-fate-of-each-item-but-I-don’t-know-when-I’ll-ever-have-time-to-go-through-the-box-so-I’ll-express-my-frustration-by-writing-this-snitty-label-on-the-side-of-the-box-and-I’ll-put-the-task-on-my-chore-list-which-I’ll-promptly-lose-and-then-I’ll-forget-this-box-of-Christmas-shit-even-exists-until-I-try-to-find-something-in-the-garage-and-I-run-across-this-box-once-again” face.

Yup, that face.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 23 Bow ties. 56 Neckties.

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More Food, More Fabric

Xmas Bow Tie o’ Yesterday and Xmas Tie o’ Yesterday are most likely siblings. They are certainly twinners-in-fabric. Sometimes a bow tie is the right cherry atop the ensemble you’re wearing. Sometimes it’s a necktie that works best. I doubled up my style by wearing both to Sunday brunch.

We hadn’t eaten an actual meal since Tgiving, because we hadn’t gotten hungry yet. But by Sunday brunch time, we were hankerin’ for food again. We didn’t go anywhere that serves a real brunch menu, but we still called it brunch. We ate at Buca di Beppo, in SLC, which ended up being a no do-over experience.

First, the hostess seated us at that one table every restaurant has, which is the table where they banish the patrons they deem unworthy of being a consumer in their establishment. They don’t want anyone to see you and conclude you’re the kind of person who eats there. Being relegated to the “bad” table, implies you are bad for business. That table is usually located by the restrooms and/or kitchen, and windows are nowhere in sight.

I could have requested for us to be seated at a better table, but when I try a restaurant for the first time, I like to experience what the restaurant thinks I merit. If the staff treats me like I’m a welcome regular, I will most likely become one. No worries about that happening for me at Buca di Beppo.

And then, when our meal came, Suzanne’s Brussels sprouts were set down in front of her looking like roundish charcoal briquettes. Back she sent them, so then we shared my saltimbocca, which we both liked. The calamari was not a do-over, but the desserts we brought home were yummy and made for a fantastic supper.

As if our Sabbath wasn’t exciting enough, we embarked on another JOANN’s shopping spree. I stayed in JOANN’s the entire time Suzanne was there, which was not my regular behavior. She wanted me there because she wanted me to peruse the fabric in the 70% off section. She wanted me to choose cape material. I think capes are what she’s giving me for Christmas, which is a-ok with me. The shopping was a success: I found enough designs for 7 capes. But I guess it actually counts as 14 capes, cuz Suzanne makes them reversible for me. [The cart behind me in the second photo holds my fabric booty.]

When we got home, Suzanne dragged out the JOANN’s receipt and proudly announced she had saved $473.83. That got me pondering. How much money do you have to total up at JOANN’s in order to save nearly $500? The answer? $724.75, to be exact. With all the savings, the actual cost of fabric for 7 capes was a “mere” $250 bucks and 92 cents. Thrift wins. We love us our sales.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 22 Bow ties. 53 Neckties.

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I Did A Whole Lotta Nothin’

Bow Tie o’ the Day is dashing in its Christmas colors, while Ties o’ the Day do not give a clue as to my activities for the day. As you can see from the photo, when I declare Pajama Day, we really have Pajama Day. Another thing you can see in this photo is that — surprise! surprise!– there is no Pajama Day rule that demands pj’s must match. The other halves of this pj combo are in a laundry basket. I have no idea how they all got separated in the first place. Maybe the socks taught the pj’s how to lose each other.

I can report that Suzanne has been– as I told you she would be–at her Ultimate SewingBox or at the ironing board all day. And do you know what she’s creating? Of course you do. She’s sewing me a Christmas cape I will be able to wear all Winter season. She has enough fabric left over to make another cape, but I don’t need two of the same cape.

I suggested Suzanne use the extra fabric to make a cape for herself, and then I immediately took back my words. A cape would not work for Suzanne. Even she agrees a cape is dangerous for her. She has a bit of a klutz-ocity problem, and capes can get caught in things. When we are out together in the world, I carry a piece of chalk so I can make chalk outlines around Suzanne when she falls on the ground– which she does consistently enough that I’m always running out of chalk. And to be completely honest, I carry the chalk in the house too. She’s clumsy.

Skitter’s day is going exactly as I told you it would in this morning’s post. As for me– well, I told you this morning I’d let you know how I ended up spending my day. I ate ice cream. I revised one of my poems. I unloaded and loaded the dishwasher. I ate a half-dozen bite size Kit Kats. Suzanne and I had a tiff, which we worked through without throwing irons at each other (we have 2 irons). I made a ham sandwich, which tasted amazingly like a ham sandwich. I played some solitaire on my phone. I took Skitter for her walkie. The satellite dish got snow on it, blocking the signal– so I climbed up the ladder, broom in hand, and scraped it off. Success! I made a list o’ errands and phone calls I need to take care of Monday. I watched Suzanne cut fabric for my new cape, and now I’m watching her sew it. I gave Skitter her chew treat after watching her do her “chew dance.” I wrote two TIE O’ THE DAY POSTS, for which I snapped pictures. That’s about all I did. One thing I did NOT do was go fishing with Santa and his reindeer.

But I thought you’d like the fishing Ties o’ the Day anyway.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 19 Bow ties. 50 Neckties.

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Is Defense Allowed In Football Anymore? The Scores Are Higher Than Suzanne’s Fabric Bill.

These football Ties o’ Day are here to tell you that it is my firm belief the Christmas season begins with the football games on Thanksgiving. I should also say that Thanksgiving football could only be better if the Dallas Cowboys didn’t play every year. Ewwwww. That’s also my firm belief. (Go, Seahawks!)

We don’t do a bunch of Black Friday store-goin’– except for Suzanne annually spending the day after Tgiving at JOANN’s with her JOANN’s coupons. She’s there right this minute. I got a text from her about an hour after she’d entered the store, and she told me there still wasn’t a shopping cart available. Poor girl. She was carrying bolts of fabric in her arms, up and down the aisles. I offered to bring her a sled to haul her dry goods. She did text me after she’d been there another hour or so to say she finally got a cart, which means she can buy more material than she can carry. Oh, joy.

Suzanne is incredibly clever about the way things work at JOANN’s. For example, she knows that when it’s busy you have to take a number to get your material cut. What does Suzanne do? She doesn’t shop for her fabric first. Nope. She takes a number the minute she walks in, then  shops. Her number this morning was 02, and the cutters were on customer 71. Yay! Suzanne is only 31st in line for the scissors-wielding clerks. That’s better than some other years. Today, she’s been gone for almost four hours so far. JOANN’s is only two blocks from our house, so none of it is travel time.

I’m hoping she buys material for a cape. I really, really need her to sew me a new cape or two. It is the season of giving, you know. And I especially love her hand-made gifts. Capes are the grooviest. Did I say I want a cape for before-Christmas? Consider it said. Can you tell I want a cape? If you see Santa, please put in a good word about a new cape for me. And if you see Suzanne, do the same. I will never, ever ask her for anything again in my whole life if she will make me a cape. Cape, cape, cape. Hint, hint, hint.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY:  17 Bow Ties. 45 Neckties.

 

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Gaining A Pound Or Ten Over The Holidays Is To Be Expected

Tie o’ Yesterday’s hearty feast might give you the idea that we gobbled TV dinners for our turkey day meal, but that is not even close to the case. Suzanne and I decided to celebrate Thanksgiving by eating out. Not at McDonald’s . We had mid-day reservations for the billion-dollar Thanksgiving buffet at BAMBARA in SLC. We grazed and supped and grazed some more. We grazed until our grazers were sore. We were farctated. (Look it up.)

In fact, you’re seeing Tie o’ Yesterday all by itself in this photo because by the time we left BAMBARA, I was too rotund to fit in a selfie. I kid you not. The offerings were so yummy I ate three regular-size plates of food, plus one small plate of food. And then I hoovered up two plates of desserts. (Trust me. Suzanne kept up with me, plus she drank most of a bottle of what she reported to be a tasty bottle of an Idaho wine. It did smell good.)

I didn’t think you’d believe me about how much I ate, so I took notes as I chewed. I made a list of the foods I consumed, so here goes: shrimp; lobster; crab; scallops; oysters; grilled veggies; red quinoa salad; baby spinach with Stilton cheese and pomegranates; breaded baked mac and cheese; heirloom carrots; mashed potatoes; bacon and bleu cheese, potato, squash gratin; brioche, leek, and foie gras stuffing; roasted cauliflower with truffle and parmesan; turkey; king salmon; and a roll.

And then it was time for dessert. Here’s the list of confections I swallowed: an eclair; peanut butter cheesecake; an espresso tart; pecan pie in a chocolate crust; a macaroon; blueberry cake-bread; and raspberry, caramel date cake. I didn’t have room for the carrot cake and the pumpkin pie I had hoped to eat. I felt so sad about missing out on those two offerings. (Again, Suzanne kept up, and she even had enough room left for the pumpkin pie.)

Oh, and I drank three Diet Cokes.

I’m thinking Suzanne and I should head back to BAMBARA’s next Thanksgiving shindig. I’m positive we won’t need to eat again until then, so we’ll save enough on our food budget for the next year to be able to afford to attend again.

Last night I had to sleep it off– all that rich food and my Diet Coke’s. I’m pleased I didn’t wake up with a food-over this morning because Suzanne wants me to drive her to the JOANN sale ASAP, and I need to have a clear head for that excursion. If my brain’s a little hazy at JOANN’s, I will never see my debit card again. Must. Stay. Alert. At. JOANN’s.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 17 Bow ties. 40 Neckties.

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277 Words

Bow Tie o’ the Day gives us Christmas bulbs for use in Christmas light strings. Ah, back in the day, when one dead bulb broke the closed circuit, and the entire string o’ lights went dark. Was that enough inconvenience and disappointment? Nope. Because the light string couldn’t light up at all, you had to go through each bulb in the string to find out which one was dead.

Alack and alas! You had to run to the store for a new bulb. And, of course, every time you bought a replacement bulb, you bought plenty o’ spares. But no matter how many spare bulbs you bought you could never find one when the same bulb crisis happened the next year. Back to the long holiday lines in the store, you go. Perhaps in a one-horse, open sleigh.

Anyhoo… While working in the garage this week, Suzanne found a stack of her old photos. Check out Suzanne in her baptism picture. What a beauty! Suzanne says the barrette in her hair weighed a couple of pounds, so she’s surprised it stayed in her flowing locks. Check out her skirt that looks like a set of 70’s living room curtains. I don’t know how she could walk while wearing it. Maybe that’s why she’s sitting. And look at the pink shag rug upon which she sits. Wow! It’s Suzanne sitting on her throne. It’s the only throne she’s ever had. I know she doesn’t have a throne with me, because I have put her on a pedestal.

The pedestal is not covered in pink shag carpet. That would be going too far.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 17 Bow ties. 34 Neckties.

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One Single, Solitary Bow Tie. I Know! Right?!

Yup, here is just one measly Bow Tie o’ the Day, which is covered in pumpkins in honor of Thanksgiving pumpkin pie. Never fear, tie counters! Since Thanksgiving is part of the holiday season, we can count Bow Tie in our continuing tie tally.

This afternoon, Bow Tie and Suzanne and I found ourselves at one of my fave-rave eatin’ places in SLC, STANZA. Although we’re always trying new restaurants, STANZA’s been my go-to spot for a couple of years, but I’m feeling the need to switch it up. I love STANZA, but I’m getting the itch to find a new clubhouse from which to rule the universe.

The urge to move on began a few months ago when STANZA’s hostess, Gina, left for other pursuits. Gina always went ga-ga for my bow ties. STANZA just hasn’t been the same for me and my out-on-the-town bow ties since she left. I feel kinda bad about deciding to not be a regular anymore, because today they brought us yum-tastic free cannoli. It felt like it was a sweet goodbye gift. Fer sad!

When you look at this selfie, notice the small flames dancing in the fire box on STANZA’s patio, just outside our window. There were no tables and/or chairs waiting for us outside when we arrived, so we figured the staff preferred we eat in the great indoors. Outside would have been dreamy for me. I was was wearing a cape, so I was warm. And I was game for pulling up a couple of chairs to the fire and letting our waiter bring us hot toddies. Hell, we could have made s’mores. I would have shared with the entire STANZA staff. They’re wecome to come to our place for s’mores anytime. They must, however, bring Gina. Gina is their ticket to our back yard.

HOLIDAY TIE TALLY: 16 Bow ties. 34 Neckties.

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An Irreverent Time Was Had By All

Glittery Christmas tree Bow Tie o’ Last Evening was the festive finishing touch to my go-to-an-event outfit. I don’t know about you, but I think I paired the perfect Shirt o’ the Evening with the harlequin side of my Cape o’ the Evening. Non-matchy matchy. Snazzy-licious. It’s a wardrobe combination I might repeat, even though my policy is to never wear the exact same “costume” twice. I suppose a different bow tie would qualify as making it a different outfit, so I guess I needn’t fret about going against my self-imposed style rules.

Anyhoo… Last night, Suzanne and I went to the Eccles Theater in downtown SLC to listen to a reading by David Sedaris– an author and humorist, who mines most of his material from his childhood, his family, his partner, and just from stuff he notices going on around him. Gee, that sounds kind of familiar, eh? I, of course, do not claim to exhibit writing or humor skills that even remotely approach those of David Sedaris.

I captured this selfie in one of the theater’s restrooms, because no photography was allowed in the theater itself– which is where I usually get TIE O’ THE DAY shots of me and Suzanne when we attend events. I made the bold photo choice to snap this selfie with the baby changing station and the “vending” machine in the background, rather than the potty. I thought staging it like this would exhibit just a bit of class. I might be a character, but I value the fact that I am rarely uncouth.

Suzanne and I had a swell evening. I laughed until my  belly scar broke open. Seriously, if I’d gone to a David Sedaris reading two weeks after my surgery, I really would have popped my scar bigly wide open. Come to think of it, that would have been kinda cool because then I could say, “I laughed so hard I literally busted a gut.” I quite enjoy making clichés and over-used descriptions come to life.

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Got Flakes? Got Dad?

One snowflake Bow Tie o’ the Day. Four snowflake Ties o’ the Day. Just snowflakes.

I have almost nothing to say about snowflakes except that I love watching them fall to earth– especially when I’m watching them through a picture window, as I’m sitting in a toasty house eating ice cream. Hills of ice cream are the only cold things I want to experience. The cold that snow needs in order to survive makes me cold. That’s all it does for me.

I certainly don’t enjoy winter sports, although I have tried most of them– just in case I liked one enough to suffer through the freezing part. There is no sport or activity of any kind that I enjoy participating in enough to play/do it in cold weather. I’ll watch winter sports and programs on TV, and I’ll smile at how grand the background snow looks, but that’s as close as I’ll get to being anywhere actually in it.

Dad felt the same as I do about cold weather. Whenever we watched M*A*S*H*, if it was an episode in which the characters were freezing, it gave Dad the shivers and made him cringe. Dad had to mention it every time one of those episodes played. But he liked the show enough to keep watching despite the story’s temperature.

Dad died in the first week of December, in 2007. It was cold, and there was snow on the ground. Dad would have liked to survey the winter scene from his picture window in his own home, in his own chair, while he read The Salt Lake Tribune and dozed off. And he would have enjoyed driving through the chilly landscape in his warm truck, characteristically on the lookout for coyotes. He wouldn’t be doing either of those things anymore.

Despite the gray cold, the Delta cemetery was a picturesque scene on the day we let Dad go to his nap in the ground. As his casket was lowered into the earth, I wished I’d been able to swaddle him in his favorite quilt Mom made for him. It was lavender. And it would have kept him warm.

Holiday Tie Tally: 10 Bow Ties. 19 Neckties. So far.

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Sunglasses And I Are Old Enough To Be Official Classics

Bow Tie o’ the Day and Ties o’ the Day are undisputed evidence that if you are decking yourself out for the Christmas holidays, besides donning a festive tie or two, you must wear shades in order to be sufficiently holiday-hip. Apparently, according to one tie, if you’re a snowman you don’t have to follow the sunglass fashion trend, despite being surrounded by be-sunglassed associates.

Of course, because Mom wears her shades 23 and 1/2 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days per year, I’ve already posted a few photos of her expressing that fashion trend. I actually think she may have started the indoor wearin’ o the sunglasses. Don’t blame that fashion development on hipsters and gangstas. Wearing shades indoors was likely one of Mom’s many fashion innovations.

It’s a gray, sorta rainy day here in Centerville. No wearing shades for me, inside or out– except in this picture. It’s the kind of day that makes me wanna do a lot more of the nothing than I’m usually doing since my stoopid surgery. When will my gut quit pinching, pulling, tugging, and feeling like duct tape is being ripped from across my innards? Really though, I’m doing much better than that last sentence makes it seem. Those odd pains and feelings are only occasional now. But when the buggers attack, I can’t not-feel them.

When I got out of bed this morning, I immediately became ticked off. And it wasn’t because of the gloomy weather. It’s because between my scarry tummy and my ouch-y rotator cuff, it took me literally two minutes– okay, forty-five seconds– to wriggle out of the bed. I do not consider myself old. I do, however, feel like I’m feeling apart.

This last year is the first time I’ve ever seriously felt I’m getting decrepit. First, I had to get new glasses with a much stronger prescription. Then I had to get a pair (or six) of cheapo reading glasses with stronger magnification. Then I had to get that sexy hearing device to drape around my ear. And then I had to get sawed in half for my pancreas surgery. As if that’s not enough, my rotator cuff has suddenly become an issue. That shoulder hurts so much I can’t even move my arm to dress myself. anymore I had no idea how much I used my right shoulder, until I couldn’t use it anymore. Seriously, that list o’ ailments amounts to more than enough physical adventure for a year– for me anyway. But no!

For the last few years, my fingers have been shaking a bit. It hasn’t been a bigly problem. But as of three days ago, my shaking phalanges have manifested a noticeable escalation in their doing whatever the hell they want, despite the orders I send them. In the context of my day-to-day doings, I manage my little finger earthquakes quite effectively. The real problem occurs when I’m writing on the computers. My fingers now have a tendency to hit the keys next to the key I told it to hit. And sometimes a finger’s shaking will cause it to tap one key twice.

Trying to move the cursor where I want it to be on the screen sometimes becomes a mystery as to where it will set itself down. When I’m typing on the laptop or desktop, I begin to feel as if I’m playing with a Ouija board. Apparently, my keyboard is trying to send me a message of some sort– perhaps from the beyond. Maybe my fingers are possessed. Or maybe my keyboard is. I dunno.

All of these medical problems either happened or came to a head the second I turned 54, last March. (Well, that’s how it seems). I hope every one of these problems is resolved by the second I turn 55. I know I will continue to experience age-related physical changes– which are generally not pleasant, but oh well. I don’t fight that. I’m at peace with aging. But I hope turning 55 in a few months will bring me some better health karma. I’ll settle for whatever karma won’t pile a mountain of physical issues on me, simultaneously. Of course, that all depends on if I have any good karma coming my way. I will certainly hate it if all the karma I get is the karma I probably truly deserve.

BTW  My health is good, relatively speaking. I am blessed to be so well. Despite what it might seem, I’m not complaining in this post. I’m just having a written tantrum which will pass as soon as I eat ice cream for breakfast and lunch and dinner.