Category: Stories

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And The Birthday Balloon Bow Tie Goes To…

Birthday balloons Bow Tie o’ the Day reached waaaaaaay back for this photo, which includes today’s beauteous birthday girl, Shelly Shields Monroe, there on the left. This picture hails from 1980, when we ended up together in the Miss Liberty royalty. Yes, I wore a dress. Lisa Topham was Miss Liberty. Shelly was 2nd Attendant, and I was 1st Attendant. For those of you not from the Delta area, and who are not familiar with the Miss Liberty pageant, let’s just say Miss Liberty and her attendants are the 4th of July royalty. We three rode on our own float in the 4th of July parade that year, in matching fabric dresses. Yes, even on the float, I had to wear a dress. At least Mom had made the dress for me, and—as she did with any dress she made me—had made pockets in it so I could carry a handful of Lemonheads, a pen, a tiny notebook, and a tiny book with me at all times during the July 4th parade. Lisa and Shelly and I waved and waved and waved and waved all the way down Main Street. Other than that, all I really remember about the whole Miss Liberty competition and the 4th of July parade was that I kept whispering sarcastic things to Shelly to make her laugh at inappropriate times. It worked.

Shelly and I haven’t lived near each other since we graduated from good ol’ Delta High School nearly 40 years ago. We have talked to each other probably only three or four times since then, but each time the talking came as easily as if we see each other every day. I highly suspect that if life were different, and Shelly and I lived in the same town, we would be like Mom and Peggy: grabbing a daily Coke and going for a ride through the landscape, during which we would help each other navigate the vicissitudes of life, and we would solve the problems of the world—being clever and snort-laughing all the way. Yeah, I think we’d be like Mom and Peggy, but with a lot of Thelma and Louise mixed in. Mostly Louise.

Merry Birthday, my friend I never see!

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There Must’ve Been A X-mas Clearance Sale

Our Bow Tie o’ the Day is on a pair of boxer briefs some anonymous TIE O’ THE DAY sent me. I decided the showy, formal boxer briefs would best be presented here if I wore them over my jeans. Aren’t they groovetastic? I could not wait until next Christmas season to show y’all my new treasure.When I receive the occasional tie-related gift in the mail, I am always reminded how blessed I am to be able to write these posts and have actual people pay attention to them. I am blessed to be able to connect in this way with folks I have somehow encountered along my life’s adventurous, meandering course. The list o’ blessings that have graced my life—and continue to do so—is too long to recount. Suffice it to say this: I usually feel as if I live in a kind of existential snow globe, in which, instead of the falling “snow,” blessings fall onto me every time my little world gets tipped over. I choose to see it that way. I suggest you view your world with a pair of blessing-colored glasses on occasion. It does wonders for your spirit.

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Stark Naked At The Mailbox A Second Time

[This is a post from January 2018. I was naked at the mailbox again today.]

I went to grab the mail, and one of my neighbors drove by. (She’s Rocko the Toddler’s mom. I know the names of neighbor-kids and neighbor-pets, but not their parents’ names. That’s how I roll.) I waved to Rocko’s mom, but she was clutching her throat. At first, I thought the poor woman was choking. Nope. That was her way of saying YOU FORGOT TO WEAR A TIE! How embarrassing! I am bare naked with out my neckwear. It’s cool that my neighbors know my tie ways. And Rocko’s mom probably doesn’t know my name either.

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Make Centerville Less Windy Again

Last night on the news, we heard we would be under a High Wind Warning mid-way through the night and into mid-morning, and I woke up this morning to the sound of solid objects spinning around outside our house. I saw garbage bags flying in the neighborhood, and Suzanne told me she saw hunks of tin flying in our street. I swear I thought for a minute I had woken up back in Delta, where the wind comes whippin’ down the plain 24/7. But no, I was here in Centerville, where bigly winds are not the norm. Today’s winds, however, were interfering with our garbage and recycling pick-up. I decided not to even take our cans to the curb. This windstorm was nothing like the one that came through a few months ago, which uprooted trees everywhere in our neck of the woods, and took out the power for three days. I am at the age that I calculate the severity of any kind of storm based on how much tv I have to miss because the power is out. Flying sheets of tin or not, I judge this morning’s storm to ultimately be a lightweight piece o’ weather, because the television didn’t lose power for even one second. I was not inconvenienced one bit. That’s my kind of weather.

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Two Helen’s Through The Looking Glass

Look closely! That’s Mom in there.

I threw on my dog bones Bow Tie o’ the Day, and we all took a Sunday drive to Deltabama yesterday to “visit” Mom. We delivered Mom some tasty goodies from us and from BT, and then Suzanne and Skitter and I stood outside Mom’s window in the cold—feeling warmed by the company through the window. As with every visit, Mom said hello to Skitter first. It is odd to be so close to Mom and yet have to speak to her by phone. Mom kept joking that our visit made her feel like she was in jail. I asked her if she had been hiding a prison record from us, because there’s no other way she could know what jail visitation is like. That made her cackle up a joyous storm.

Mom is doing well, despite her pandemic time in solitary. Whenever I speak to her on the phone, she is generally in her normal happy spirits. But I still have to see it for myself on occasion—even if it is only through a care center window.

BTW Mom sends her regards to y’all. She often refers to my TIE O’ THE DAY readers as “the tie people who sent me birthday cards for my 90th.” Thanks again, for doing that.

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The Prodigal Bow Tie Is Found

About two minutes after I posted about not being able to find my peanut M&M’s bow tie this morning, I immediately ran onto it. Yes, it was in the last place I looked—because there’s no reason to keep looking for something, after you’ve found it.

Here I am, still enjoying my Pajama Day of reading, writing, and no ‘rithmetic. My bag o’ M&M’s functioned as a real-life face mask this afternoon, when I had to answer the door and didn’t have a mask handy. I put the bag of candy in front of my face and answered the door to the masked Amazon prime delivery person. I am pleased to say that my candy face mask caused the prime guy to convulse in a fit of laughter, for which he gleefully thanked me as he went off to the rest of his work day.

Note to self: Eat this bag o’ candy, so you have an excuse to buy more.

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A Winkler, Not A Snollygoster

Bow Tie o’ the Day gives you a good hint about what I ate for lunch today. I have a thing for all things ice cream, I will always admit it. Face Mask o’ the Day is named “Winkler” by the company that created it. I believe I could accurately use the winking face emoji at the end of a high percentage of the sentences I write or say. A wink is sort of the aura I give off, I think, in writing and in person. My fashion kind of winks too, I guess you could say. I’m serious, in a not serious way. And I’m not serious, in a serious way. It’s exhausting to have a brain that conjures ideas like that. I have made my peace with dwelling in irony and sarcasm on top of clarity and wisdom. Apparently, so has my wardrobe.

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My Little Zoo

I find ideas for my attire everywhere. This afternoon, I was cooking bacon to put on my turkey sandwich, and I said out loud to Skitter and myself, “Hey, I have a flying pig hat that I haven’t worn since clear back three whole, long weeks ago.” So while my bacon was cooking, I found my flying pig hat. I wondered, for a brief second, whether the flying pig would be offended that I was frying bacon, and fully intending to eat it. And then I wondered if the sizzling strips o’ bacon would gaze up at the flying pig on my head and wish theirs had been lives of high-flying pigs, instead of my lunch. And then I came back to the reality of how neither flying pig hats, nor bacon strips have brains to think with. All was well.

Anyhoo… I decided my pig-y hat needed some friends, so I put on my cat-y shirt and butterfly-y face mask. Thus, I am now wearing a small menagerie. Bow Tie o’ the Day has a tiger-print feel to it that zippily tops off my outfit.

Oh, and my turkey-and-bacon sandwich was divine. Wish you were here. I would have made you one.

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A Summer Flashback, Cuz It’s Freezing

[This post is from August 2017. I hate to belabor the point, but I’m tired of the cold already. This photo makes me feel a bit warmer.]

Date Night at Lagoon, chaperoned by Bow Tie o’ the Day. Suzanne wore her motion sickness patch, so we could ride the roller coasters and spinning rides. And every now and then we all need an evening of eating horrible, bad-for-you food. We found this tooth in Pioneer Village. Look at how much strength it took me to pull it from Sasquatch’s stinky mouth. I had to get flexy to accomplish the feat.

Note that I am wearing the smallest bow tie I have. It’s a safety matter when you’re near amusement park ride machinery.

Also note that I am wearing my Big, Fat, Ugly Shorts. They weigh 2.2 pounds, and have enormous pockets, making it possible to carry everything anyone might need when they’re out on an adventure.  Wearing them is like wearing a large purse. I’m a pack mule in them.  👛 🎠 🎡 🎢

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Finally! A Church Bow Tie Again!

I realized I hadn’t posted a Church Bow Tie o’ the Sabbath for quite some time, so yesterday I made sure to gussy up my attire for “watching” church. My nephew, Bishop Travis, was speaking, and I took extra care in choosing the appropriate bow tie for the occasion—as I always do. I decided to wear my black, 3D-printed bow tie. It’s simple and yet sophisticated. Its tips are also very sharp. I would not have worn this to the meeting if I had attended in-person, for fear Gracie would have poked a hole in her hand if she touched it. But I thought it a fitting bow tie for attending church online from my love seat, because the thing about Bishop Travis’ talks is that they—like Bow Tie—always have a point. In fact, his talks are filled with lots of points—each layered like parables. You understand what you are able to, and you chew on what you can’t understand, until you finally understand that too. Like any good parable, it’s nourishing when your spirit hungers, time and again. The larder of a good parable is never empty.